The world is so divided.

Families are divided.

Coworkers are at odds.

Neighbors are in conflict.

What are Christians to do?

One great tool to have in your relational toolbelt is mediation

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. (Matthew 5:9).

Mediation is a tool for peacemakers. It can be used with groups of people or with two people in conflict.

One cautionary note: mediation is only effective when people feel safe, when they are honest, and when they want a fair and good solution. If one or more parties truly seeks to do harm to another person or is manipulative, this isn’t the right tool.

Jo Anne Preston, author of Lead the Way in Five Minutes a Day outlines steps to use when mediating two people in conflict. Here are the steps she suggests:

1. Set the stage - be clear that the conflict cannot continue and that the two parties are the only ones who can fix it. The mediator should states something like, “I believe you can fix this, and I’m going to do my best to help you.”

2. Establish clear ground rules - I love the question that Ms. Preston poses in this step: “What are some guidelines that would help everyone feel safer to speak up here?” She notes that if no one speaks up, suggest a few ground rules.

3. Clearly define the problem - the goal of this step has three components: A. define the core problem (“focus on observable behaviors, not judgments”); B. have each party state what they want or need from the other person; and C. ask each party to own some part of responsibility for the conflict.

Preston notes that as discussion progresses “listen for and give voice to common ground. If talks don’t progress, ask each party, “What will the cost be if you can’t resolve this?”

The mediator must focus each party on the future. Preston urges the mediator to “ask each party to talk specifically about how each will contribute to making the future working relationship better.” The parties don’t have to agree to like each other—but they do have to agree on how they will treat each other—how they will act in each other’s presence.”

Lastly, Preston states, “close the loop.” Have each party state in specific terms what they will do in the future. Don’t deal in generalities—have them each be specific in what their actions will look like to others.

Preston offers some tips for the person serving as mediator: “Don’t listen to one side privately. Model a calm presence. Use active listening. If anyone gets overwhelmed, take a break. Don’t come up with the solutions—your job is to create a safe space, keeping the parties focused on future solutions—guiding people to rules they agreed to.”

This is just a snippet of Preston’s book—and well worth the read!

In terms of mediating groups of individuals who are in disagreement, one technique I have successfully used I learned from a news broadcast. Strange source—but a great technique. The news broadcaster asked individuals to factually state the event they had witnessed, one sentence at a time. After each sentence, the person recounting the event had to pause, and anyone could raise a hand to disagree with the account. Then, they would discuss the facts objectively until they reach agreement. If they didn’t agree—they moved to the next point.

I have used this and found it to be very revealing. Often we think we remember what happened in an event or an encounter, but when we recount it step by step, and others give their own recounting—we often find that we don’t remember the event completely accurately—and we might, in our memory, leave out details that did take place and are key to how others view the event.

By stripping the emotion out of the event and recalling the facts of the event—bringing all facts to the table—it can give us the ability to see the event through the eyes of others. And this creates empathy.

Christ calls his followers to be peacemakers. Follow His calling. The Bible offers key words of advise for reflection before you attempt to resolve conflict. Here are a few verses I find particularly helpful:

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1

The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit. Proverbs 15:5

A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel. Proverbs 15:18

Be God’s presence. Be a peacemaker!