I didn’t plan on blogging on the Jewish tradition of mourning this week.
But, in one short week, several of the people in my orb have been impacted by the sudden death a loved one—a pastor whose father died, a woman whose son was killed in an accident, and a friend who passed away during surgery. All this week.
So, I did some reading on how Jews of the Old Testament and some today manage grief. What I learned is that the Jews view mourning as occurring in stages.
According to Chabad.org, Jewish tradition establishes practices and rituals that “facilitate and give expression to our feelings of loss and grief” while also providing steps through which the mourner passes.
In Jewish tradition, there are five phases to the mourning process.
The first phase is “Aninut,” which is the period between death and burial. Chabad.org notes that Jewish sages advise that during this phase, “Do not comfort the mourner during the time that his deceased lies (still unburied) before him. At this point, the grief is too intense for any effort at consolation. It is a time simply to be with the mourner and offer practical assistance, rather than words of consolation. It is a time of silence, not words.”
I believe this is great advice. So often, at least in American culture, we feel the need to jump in and say something to those who have suffered loss to try to make them feel better. The wise Jewish sages advise, to simply “be” with the mourner and offer practical advice.
The second and third phases of mourning occur in the seven-day period following burial—the second phase is called “Shivah” which means seven.
Shivah, according to Chabad.org, is the time when the mourners “take an almost complete break from the routines and involvements of everyday life to focus exclusively on the memory of the departed and the manner in which they will honor him or her in their lives, and receive consolation from their extended family, friends, and the community.” Practices during this time may include a condolence meal, doing no work and conducting no business, friends calling on those mourning, communal prayer, covering the mirrors (so that the mourners are not concerned about their appearance), and lighting candles.
Two interesting practices take place during this time. According to Mazornet.com. leather shoes were a sign of comfort and prestige, so they are not worn during Shivah. There are some opinions that mourners should place some earth inside their leather shoes if they must wear them to maintain an awareness of mourning. The second concerns “The House of Mourning” which is the home of the deceased or home of those mourning. Friends visit, and daily prayer services are held for seven days. They “Sit Shivah,” an ancient custom of mourning in which those in the House of Mourning do not sit upon chairs of normal height, but rather on low stools.
The fourth stage of mourning is “Shloshim,” a thirty-day mourning period. According to Chabad.org, during this period, normal activities return though some mourning practices might continue such as not buying new clothing or participating in joyous events.
The final period called, “The First Year,” is observed by the children of the deceased. Practices such as not listening to music or participating in joyous events may continue.
Chabad.org notes that “The Torah’s mourning laws provide the outlet and validation for our grief so crucial to the healing process, as well as the framework to graduate from one level of mourning to another, until our loss is integrated as a constructive and not destructive, force in our lives.”
I love the ritualization of mourning, as it gives us steps to help us grieve and to incorporate the loss into our lives. It gives dignity to the life of the departed and also allows those left behind to continue to live the life they have before them, in spite of the loss.
What a blessing that God shares His wisdom—even the wisdom of mourning—with us in His Word.